college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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