Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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