I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
