I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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