Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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