Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
