he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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