Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
