two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
