im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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