Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I feel like abortions should bother me more
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
