Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
