my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
