I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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