When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
