its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
