I met the friendliest cop last night
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
