I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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