i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
