His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
