I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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