....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
