Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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