WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
