Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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