Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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