I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
