The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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