seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
