Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
there's paper in my vomit.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
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