This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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