I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
