Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
