i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
