At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
