I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
