I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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