I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
