If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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