my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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