I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
