I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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