allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
