Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Randomize
