and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
