also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize