I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
