I'm lost and stupid without you.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
