we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I want a musical about memes.
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