Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
