It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
