the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
