you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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