You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
