My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
