Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
