Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
