tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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