last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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