I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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