Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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