"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
