Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize