my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
